Single W

To:

MALE, seeks nice female 20-40 for marriage.

Hi. Look I’ll cut to the chase. I have a deadline of Aug 30th.

Don’t worry, the planning won’t take long—I’ve got a place picked out, the flower arrangement settled, an aunt that will make the cake, and a dress in the closet. I’m not saying this to freak you out but to ease your mind about making all these big decisions. I’m not saying you’re obligated to marry me if we meet, but just that there’s no time for b.s. I think we’re both probably too old for that kind of nonsense anyway. So we’ll have to meet by Sat (Sat night’s ok). That’s just so I can give my parents enough warning to take time off work to fly in and meet you IF there’s a second date (no pressure). Also, we’ll have to do our registry. (I would’ve gone ahead and done this but I don’t know what my future husband may bring to the marriage.)

I’m slim, bright and like to read mysteries. If you’re interested get back to me by the end of tomorrow.

From:

A cute guy with no hair and no teeth, seeks pretty lady dentists who sell wigs (kidding).

So you only sell toupees huh? I’m not sure that’ll make the cut but I’ll put you in my red book between “Christy Taylor” and “Kathleen Turner” for “toupee-seller”. So you mentioned you liked comedy clubs. I went to one once with a friend and the comedian decided I was the one he was going to pick on, only I guess the audience thought I was funnier than him so they started to heckle him and encourage me until finally they were chanting “go up go up.”

So I went up and decided I’d be the one doing the picking only he wasn’t as good a sport and next thing you know, there’s a brawl in the middle of the stage of Yuk-Yuks. (no of course that didn’t happen). No, I spend most my time inventing things and climbing mountains.

Heard of a little thing called the Internet? Well I didn’t invent it but I built the home for it—the good ole PC. And did you recently hear about a dashing, courageous young man who died on his way down from Everest? That was me. Ok, to be serious, I’m 6’1”, dark brown hair, hazel eyes, 3-time Olympic gold-medalist (2 in skiing, one in soccer), and Stanford alumnus. The women I meet all know this of course and use me for my good looks and their own prestige, which is why I search for love anonymously. Hope to hear from you (just contact my people, he he).

To:

GAY male 40, open minded, seeks same for relationship.

Hello Captain,

Here’s a bit about me:

fave. movie: Breakfast at Tiffany’s; fave. musician: Tony Bennett; hobbies: traveling, flying kites.

It’s nice to see “open-minded” on the list of personal characteristics and wants before “handsome” or “white.” I guess that’s what drew me to your personal. I’ve been looking for someone real and that’s a start at least. For example, I love Somalian cuisine. I practice Tai Chi. I’m 1/4 Sikh. I think we gain so much from opening ourselves up to new cultures and experiences. Also, I’m a heterosexual female and for all my talk about being open to new things, I’ve never actually dated a gay man before. I guess it’s about time huh? Well, I look forward to a speedy response. Thanks.

Lord I hope you weren’t talking about S&M.

From:

CREATIVE, passionate and energetic single 41 year old man, fit, above-average looking. Born in Montreal. Carribean and Italian background. Professional. Has time for a loving, communicative relationship with you. My counterpart: a single female, attractive in mind, body and soul. Could we be a match?

Lovely lady,

Thank you for the illuminating conversation last night. Never before had I interpreted Tolstoy that way. It kept me thinking as I sat to wind down with my Mueslix and skim milk. I don’t know what kind of milk you drink, and in fact you may be lactose-intolerant in which case you can skip ahead to the next sentence, but skim milk is really a great alternative to the more unhealthy variety.

I remember when I was younger my mother tried to get me and Nancy (3 years younger) and Jen (5 years older) to drink skim but we refused because we thought it tasted like water. And here we are 30 years later preaching the benefits of skim milk.

They say you turn into your parents after a certain age. I’d always hoped that day would never come but now that it’s here, I think maybe they weren’t so bad after all . . .

To:

HEARING aids 2, lost in transit on Jun. 8, Weston to Don Mills. Lrg reward. Urgently needed.

WE’RE OVER HERE SAL! WE’RE STILL ON THE SEAT- NO ONE WANTED TO TOUCH OUR DISGUSTING SELVES! CAN’T BELIEVE YOU FREAKIN'’ LOST US AGAIN! HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TELL YOU BEFORE YOU’LL LISTEN?!

A1 Nudist family club, open all year, 100 scenic acres, kids playground, lake, indoor pool, whirlpool, &frac12 hr from Toronto, Glen Echo Park. 905-939-8994; 905-939-7736.

This one speaks for itself.

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