Dear Liz,
This guy I really liked told me I wasn’t his “usual type.” To make a long story short, he then went on to describe his type and spoiler alert… it’s the complete opposite of me. Since then, I’ve found myself in an endless cycle of doomscrolling on social media comparing myself to every single girl he follows on Instagram. Though I know it’s pathetic, I can’t stop. I’ve always been comfortable with myself, my looks, my body, et cetera, but this is really starting to get to me. How do I break out of this cycle?
Sincerely,
Doomscrolling Damsel
Dear Doomscrolling Damsel,
Not pathetic at all! We’ve all been there—believe me, I was so bad at one point I knew his ex-girlfriend’s dog’s birthday and his grandfather’s favourite sports team. Looking back, most of the information I uncovered before my retirement as an FBI agent was useless, but in the moment, it felt like there was so much I was lesser than.
Some nights after typing in the same rolodex of names I’d gotten used to stalking, my heart would skip a beat when there was a new post or story. I’d hold my breath and check the comments. There were a few times I found out things that stung—real hard and left bruises, or just pinched my ego a little bit. After some time, I realized how mindless it had become—was almost part of my nighttime routine.
Before I tell you my fix, I want to point something out. You’re not defined by someone else’s preferences. This guy is entitled to have a “type,” sure. At the same time, you have every right to be incredibly uncomfortable with hearing you’re not your interest’s “usual type.” Honestly, that’s a very offhand thing for someone to even bring up. You want someone to want to be with you because of who you are and what you look like; not because of how you par with his go-to Instagram babe. Please, Damsel, don’t use this information as a yardstick for measuring your worth.
I had a turning point in January. I’ll admit it was a discovery that stung and resulted in a tough conversation that pushed me to do what I did next—which I will share. But I’m glad it did, because I had gotten lost in the infinite scroll of comparison.
There were two things I realized were within my capabilities I could do immediately. First, I flipped the script. I took back control over my own perception of myself and stepped away from basing my worth as a woman and a girlfriend on the Instagram captures of other girls. This was easy to do once I realized how much time I’d wasted making my own heart race over a lit-up profile picture.
Second, I hit pause on scrolling altogether. Aside from the FBI work, I felt like I wasn’t really enjoying Instagram. I was placing too much significance on the life of others instead of focusing on my own. I was going on vacation and curating my next carousel instead of enjoying myself. The first couple of weeks were hard and I felt immense FOMO, but after the one month mark, it barely crossed my mind anymore. The friends I truly cared about I’d gotten into the habit of texting anyways—the life updates shared over Sunday brunch were much juicier this way.
You’re not limited or less than because you do not fit someone else’s mould. Take a moment to take control of the narrative and focus on what you can control—your habits, your relationship with social media, and the value you place on a man’s opinion.
With lots of love,
Liz xo
Tags
Advice, FLWL, Relationships, Social media
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