The bad, the worse, & the crap-tastic

Postscript reveals sinfully bad movies we secretly love

Do you love bad movies? Do they make you laugh until you cry and/or pass out? Do you think Keanu Reeves only has one facial expression but love his one facial expression anyway? Then this column is for you. Postscript has gathered the prime pricelessly awful movies you might actively condemn in public, but enjoy very furtively in the privacy of your own home.

Number one crappy drama: One Last Dance

Now, this is a Patrick Swayze dancing movie, but it might not be the one you’d expect to find on this list. (And yes, there’s more than one Patrick Swayze dancing movie. I’m as surprised as you are.) Sure, everybody loves the glorious cheese of Dirty Dancing—nobody puts Baby in a corner? But it’s got nothing on the sheer crap-tasticness of One Last Dance.

It goes like this: Swayze and two random no-name actors are washed-up old ballet dancers, who bring their aching bodies together after years apart to perform the dance that ended their careers and their friendships. It’s like watching a dog cleaning its naughty bits with its tongue: awkward, yes, but so hilarious you just can’t look away.

All three of these prima donnas spend more time chewing scenery than they do dancing, which explains why they’re such awful ballerinas. They fight, they dance a little, and then they fight some more!

The best part is the dance fights. They’re dancers, so they’re so full of painful memories they just have to express it through DANCE! So they’d dance out their anger and love and emotional constipation at each other—kick, turn, I’m so pissed, leap, splat—and it’s just too funny.

You haven’t really lived until you’ve seen Swayze trying to express “I’m so sad you ran away, instead of telling me about our love child” in dance form.

Number one crappy comedy: Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Take one inventive situation, add two idiots and stir. Blend in Genghis Khan loose in a shopping mall and some dreams of rock stardom that should never be realized. Garnish with George Carlin and a time-travelling phone booth, and mispronounce the names of multiple historical figures while serving.

And voilà, hilarity!

I mean, it’s not like you watch it for any reason other than that it’s funny to see the dunderheaded Winter and Reeves scrabble away at their 80s air guitars and try to pick up dead famous people.

And yet, this is the most righteous flick. The memory of these Wyld Stallyns introducing their historical guests to Winter’s hot stepmom as Dave Beeth Oven, Maxine of Arc, Herman the Kid, Bob “Genghis” Khan, So-crates Johnson, Dennis Frood and “uh, Abraham Lincoln” will never fail to make me laugh.

Number one crappy kid flick: Three Ninjas

Three young brothers learn about life, love and the pure pleasure of kicking people in the balls as their wizened grandfather teaches them how to be ninja warriors. They break plates, dose kidnappers with diarrhea juice and utter immortal lines like “I won’t eat dog poop” on their way to becoming sort-of ninja-types.

This is one of those movies where all the bad guys stand around, waiting to get punched in the face. The main bad guy doesn’t get too beaten up since he’s busy bellowing and overacting, but the rest of them practically line up to get kicked in the nuts! That’s the sign of a true turd-flick.

My sister and I have watched this movie approximately 12,000 times (give or take a few thousand) and I honestly think I can quote the whole thing. That’s not something I’m proud of, but this piece of junk was an important part of my childhood.

It captured a certain malaise I felt as a child, a longing to take control of my own life through mad fighting skills, and a deep desire to—oh, forget it. It’s funny because dog poop and diarrhea are funny. That’s about it.

Number one crappy action flick/lame romance: The Replacements

I think it’s important to have my main man Keanu on this list twice, because to me he is the epitome of the actor so awful he’s awesome. His bio describes him as “inscrutable,” but I prefer “dead.” Yep, I’m outing him as a zombie. You heard it here first!

Anyway, in The Replacements, you can see Keanu as a has-been quarterback anchoring a team of bozos all looking for a second chance in the NHL. There are clichéd characters, gratuitous ass-shots and fake dramatic tension. A real winner!

This movie counts as awesome, though, purely because there’s a dance scene in a prison cell. The bozos kick up their heels to “I Will Survive” until Gene Hackman comes to bust them out, and I laugh and laugh each time I watch it. Even Keanu dances! Cinematic gold, people, I’m telling you.

Postscript shares Megan’s love for the “inscrutable” Keanu Reeves and his uni-face. Not to mention for Patrick “what, he’s still alive?” Swayze and his inability to stop himself from dancing.

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