I’d be fucking boring to stalk.
To save anyone considering it the trouble, I’ve catalogued my day. I walk down University Ave. a lot. I go to the grocery store sometimes. I’m on friendly terms with the fish monger.
I probably cover about a kilometre a week on foot, usually engaging in about three to five socially-scripted conversations while in transit. Some nods. Some handshakes. Some nipple twists. And although I’ve spotted this monotony, I can’t escape.
I think I’m too far socialized. I’ve devised plans to slip in some excitement into my pea coat-wearing lifestyle, but I’m afraid to follow through.
My ego has grown to a point where it won’t let me dance in public. So I write this hoping that someone else may be able to challenge a few social predictabilities while I wear a necktie.
I fantasize about standing up in the middle of a lecture and screaming incoherently with a blank expression. What excites me is I can’t picture the reaction. I want to use dye to fake pinkeye and see how long it takes for someone to move seats. But I won’t.
I’ve tried to scream in class. I put my hand up and waited to be called on and I couldn’t do it. I contributed a standard pedantic comment instead. Something is keeping me from doing it.
I’m not going to be able to shave my eyebrows to shock people. I can’t grow a moustache. And since I can’t force myself to do something that will make people pull out their headphones and stop looking at the street on their way to campus, I’ll wait until someone does me that favour.
I’ve tried small measures. I’ve taken to running frantically past people when I’m in no rush to be anywhere. Some people get snide, but that’s not enough to justify the exertion.
There’s a force on this campus—and maybe even in mainstream society—that keeps people from doing bizarre things. Whether it’s modesty or rationality, someone needs to catch this beast and force it to wear a burlesque outfit.
Regardless of what’s causing the boredom, someone needs to interrupt the quiet walks with the occasional stop to talk and complain about midterms. If not, then it will continue to be normal.
One person choosing to wear a top hat on campus will make it easier for the next person because it will have been seen before.
This may be paradoxically monotonous to even write about. But one person walking naked would affect the way I walk on the street. I will never expect to see someone walking nude until I see it and it ceases to be bizarre.
Some people inch odd behaviour into the mainstream. I was in Toronto two years ago and a man was coming towards me shouting at someone on his cell phone.
When he walked past me I realized the cell phone was a hot dog bun. It changed my life. My goal is to do that tomorrow.
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