You probably haven't heard but 'Brangelina' broke up

It's the end of celebrity marriages as we know them

Credit: 
via Wikipedia

They started dramatically and ended dramatically: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have filed for divorce. What did we do to deserve this?

Angelina filed for divorce following a September 15 separation. I thought it was out of character for me to not get out of bed that Friday but it all makes sense now. And no, I won’t acknowledge my Stage Rage bender as a reason why.

We all know the story. The two fell in love on the Mr. & Mrs. Smith set back in 2005. Brad divorced his then-wife Jennifer Aniston, and quickly after, Jolie was pregnant with their first child. Although they’ve been together for over a decade, they’ve only been married for two years. And it was probably the most beautiful wedding.

Angelina wore a custom gown by Versace, with the train decorated by her children’s drawings. The venue was at their estate in France, and the photos of the wedding were sold to a tabloid for five million dollars, but the selfless couple reportedly gave all that money to charity because of course they did.

And now it’s all over, along with my hopes of ever achieving their level of #couplegoals.

Dear old Brad — what went wrong? You were doing so well! Brennifer (Pittiston?) has been in your past for over a decade! You adopted kids from all over the world! You! The golden boy from the States!

I could see you trying to commit to the persona when you grew out your hair like a really cool guy. You were just trying to be on par with Angelina’s ex husband Billy Bob Thornton. But I mean, he was in Bad Santa. The bar was obviously too high.

Angelina — what happened? The coolest thing he’s ever done was Fight Club — but we can’t talk about that.

Did you just no longer find him attractive? Because from my perspective I’d say that’s impossible. He’s like Leonardo DiCaprio but always in peak movie-bod shape.

And now that Brangelina is officially over, so are the dreams of all the Tumblr users who frequent the “beautiful famous couple” search.

Brad and Angie were the image of what we (yes, I speak for everyone) aspire to: a happy, mutually-supportive relationship with endless amounts of wealth, crazy sex appeal, philanthropic endeavours, broods of beautiful children, award winning resumes, and arguments over who has better cheek bones as you fall asleep at night.

Now Madame Tussaud is going to have to separate the Brangelina wax figures. And Buzzfeed has to update the list of their top favourite exes of the twenty-first century, along with relatable GIFs. The Oscars will take place under the same oppressive pall as those awkward family dinners with your separated aunt and uncle throwing shade at each other over the pies.

And most importantly, all lifestyle journalists have to come up with a unique yet witty article to announce the breakup of the year, as rumours and theories pile up as to why the most celebrated celebrity marriage has ended. 

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