Tri-colour Sex Diary: Spicing up a long-term relationship gone wrong

An attempt to bring sex toys into the bedroom yields unexpected results

A locked diary on a desk.
Credit: 
Journal File Photo

Long term relationships can be hard. 

It's difficult to constantly keep things interesting while balancing school, a job and a million other responsibilities. If I’ve learned anything in my 20 years of life, it’s spicing things up in the bedroom is essential to keeping a relationship alive. 

I was fortunate enough to meet the man of my dreams in my first year at Queen’s. Although our sex has improved since we met, it's not as flirty and spontaneous as it used to be.

A couple months ago, at a sex shop, my boyfriend and I came across Clone-A-Willy. The product allows you to take a silicone mould of a penis and make a vibrating dildo out of it. 

After a little bit of coaxing, my poor, loving boyfriend agreed to let me clone his penis.

"It'll be so fun!" I told him. "What could go wrong?" 

Frankly, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I bought the Clone-A-Willy kit and watched instructional videos to prepare. 

The problem, among others, was I probably chose one of the busiest weeks of our lives to undertake this project. 

Right off the bat, things went awry. What followed was the most stressful experience I’ve ever had. I'd like to see Tom Cruise partake in the Clone-A-Willy experience because it was Mission Impossible. I take that back, I wouldn’t like to see that at all. 

To properly duplicate my boyfriend’s penis, I had two minutes to mix the moulding gel mixture, pour it into the provided tube, insert his penis into the gel, and wait for it to harden. Throughout each of these steps, my boyfriend was supposed to maintain a full erection.

The whole experience involved a lot of back and forth, no clear plan of action—and a little bit of crying.

The whole experience involved a lot of back and forth, no clear plan of action—and a little bit of crying. 

The biggest issue we had was the actual sex we attempted, which was supposed to keep my boyfriend erect long enough for the mould to set. 

Unfortunately, our sex kept getting interrupted by the dildo making, and it was hard for my boyfriend to maintain an erection while switching between the two activities. 

With two minutes on the clock, I quickly grabbed a bowl and mixed the moulding powder with water. While trying to stay as sexy as possible, I poured the mixture into the tube and quickly handed it to my boyfriend as he put his penis in the makeshift machine. 

I could tell from his face it wasn’t working.

In the process of mixing and pouring the moulding powder into the Clone-A-Willy tube, I spilled a bunch of the mixture on the floor. There ultimately wasn't enough of the mould in the tube to fully cover his penis. 

In the face of a disappointing attempt to spice up our sex life, I simply sat on the floor and began to cry. I didn’t think I’d elicit this kind of response, but it was 1 a.m., I had two quizzes the next day, and this whole experience had proved stressful.

After taking my boyfriend’s penis out of the tube, the mould looked better than expected, but I was still pretty upset we somewhat failed at making a legitimate dildo. The next step in the cloning process was waiting two to eight hours, where we’d then pour a hot pink silicone mixture into the penis mould. 

I poured the silicone into the mould the next morning and spilled half of it on my desk. At this point, I was highly skeptical this penis cloning project would be successful. 

I’d classify the end result of my Clone-A-Willy experience as moderately successful.

There were a couple of structural flaws I had to fix once the penis was out of the moulding tube. Since the whole experience wasn’t very enjoyable for my boyfriend, the dildo wasn’t properly sized, if you know what I mean. 

Despite these flaws, I still gave the dildo a try. This whole process was too stressful for me not to try and have a happy ending. 

Rating this experience out of 10, I would give it a solid five-and-a-half. It wasn’t as fun and sexy as I expected it to be. It was very stressful, and left both my boyfriend and I extremely frustrated. 

If anything, this experience was a testament to how crazy I am for making my boyfriend do this, and how much he’s willing to do for me. Putting myself in his shoes, I wouldn’t be comfortable—nor sane enough—to stand in my partner’s room, naked, with my genitals in a mould. 

Reflecting on our sexual experiment, I’m glad we got to do it together. Even though the Clone-A-Willy wasn’t sexually satisfying, partaking in an unforgettable experience like this one undoubtedly brought my boyfriend and I closer.

Want to submit your own tricolour sex diary? Email journal_lifestyle@ams.queensu.ca and tell us a little about yourself.

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