The Knight Before Christmas is a merry mess

How to have a girl's "knight" in with Netflix's newest holiday disaster

Vanessa Hudgens stars in another Netflix holiday film.
Credit: 
Screenshot from Netflix

After watching Vanessa Hudgens play look-a-likes in a fictional European country last holiday season in The Princess Switch, my expectations were high for this year’s fiasco of a Christmas film.

The Knight Before Christmas didn't disappoint. Hudgens’ newest production sticks to a typical holiday rom-com template: high school teacher, Brooke Winters (Hudgens) falls in love with Sir Cole (Josh Whitehouse) who happens to be a fourteenth-century knight.  

This seasonal feature will take you on a journey from Norwich, England in 1334, to Bracebridge, Ohio in 2019. Within the first five minutes of the film, Sir Cole—in medieval times—comes upon an old crone while on a hawk hunt. She ominously tells him that his quest to become a true knight awaits him before promptly sending him through a glowing portal transcending space and time. The hour and a half of movie that follows is just as wonderfully confusing. 

After my viewing, I had so many questions. Most importantly, why are the old crone’s eyebrows more snatched in 1334 than they are in 2019? Wouldn’t Cole spread fourteenth-century diseases into the present? On that note, would he not be vulnerable to modern diseases with his fourteenth-century immune system? Would a medieval knight have all of his teeth? People from the Middle Ages bathed about once a week. Wouldn’t Sir Cole’s unbathed stench repel Brooke from their meet-cute?  

It is these questions among others that make this movie perfect for a friends’ night in. I watched The Knight Before Christmas with my housemates, and we spent the majority of its run-time shouting at the screen in confusion. The repetitive clichés and inconsistencies also make for an excellent drinking game, so instead of reviewing the movie’s plot and spoiling it for you, watch it yourself with some friends and play along.

Here’s the ultimate way to enhance your Vanessa Hudgens-fueled viewing experience—but enjoy carefully.

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The Knight Before Christmas Drinking Game

1)   Drink every time someone brings up Brooke’s cheating ex-boyfriend

2)   Drink every time the word “crone” is used

3)   Drink every time they (subtly) plug another Netflix holiday movie

4)   Drink whenever a pop cover of a holiday song is played

5)   Drink whenevere Brooke wears a different festive jacket

6)   Drink for every unintentional sword innuendo 

For optimal viewing, I recommend a holiday beverage. Make an apple cider, spiked or otherwise, or bring a summer classic into the winter season with my favourite mulled wine sangria recipe. If you want to make your Knight Before Christmas watch party one to remember, serve this—responsibly—to your guests:

Bracebridge’s Best Mulled Wine Sangria

Ingredients:

  • 1 bottle of red wine
  • Whole cloves to taste
  • Whole allspice to taste
  • 2 tsp sugar
  • 1 orange cut into slices

Instructions:

Combine whole bottle of wine and a reusable tea-dipper filled with clove and allspice into a sauce pot. Over medium heat, gently bring the wine to a simmer and add the sugar. When your kitchen smells like a holiday market, remove spices, add orange slices, and serve.

With your drinking game instructions ready and your mulled wine steaming, you’re finally ready to watch the trainwreck that is The Knight Before Christmas.

 

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