Tricolour Sex Column: The tea on anal

The Kinky Scholar talks about her love-hate relationship with anal sex 

The Kinky Scholar discusses the ins and outs of anal sex.
The opinions expressed in this piece reflect only the experiences of a brown Queer Muslim cisgendered woman whose upbringing included poor access to sex education and reproductive healthcare. No article, author, or publication can accurately reflect the experiences of all women. Please read with caution and kindness.
 
Sex is very confusing, but there’s one thing I’ve always been certain of: for some reason, straight men are obsessed with anal sex.
 
I can’t speak to why this is the case. Some part of me suspects that many of them might be bi-curious and looking for a toxically heterosexual outlet. This claim has absolutely no substance: it’s just rooted in my own speculation. It’s important to read Queer theory and even more important to critically analyze toxic masculinity, but it’s still pretty fun to tease my straight boyfriend with this notion. 
 
Regardless, straight men definitely go crazy for anal, but for many reasons, women attracted to men don’t always feel the same way for many reasons—the biggest reason being pain.
 
There are many academic studies on this pain. One from 2011 found that over 40 per cent of heterosexual women (a group which I’m not a part of, but can nonetheless relate to) experienced pain their first time engaging in anal sex. Many stopped immediately, but others endured the pain to please their male partners—which is deeply problematic.
 
That brings me to the one thing I hope all men reading this take away: never, ever coerce a woman into engaging in any kind of sex. We aren’t yours to convince, and our sexual preferences aren’t up for debate. 
 
Now that that’s out of the way, I can safely tell you lots of women actually enjoy anal, including me. If you really want, you can find a woman willing to do butt stuff—please just wait until the pandemic is over.
 
Why do some women enjoy anal sex when it brings so many of us pain? For starters, let’s not forget vaginal sex comes with pain too. A 2013 study reported numbers similar to the aforementioned study about anal, finding 47 per cent of women experienced pain during vaginal intercourse, but still continued to have it. 
 
Pain doesn’t necessarily erase pleasure. Of course, stop immediately if you think your partner is uncomfortable or feeling pain, but sometimes sex is awkward to begin with and doesn’t feel amazing every second throughout.
 
Women are capable of making the necessary choices regarding their pain tolerance. Although our partners are certainly obligated to create an environment where we’re comfortable voicing our preferences, we know what we want and what we don’t. 
 
There are paths to anal that remove pain altogether, but even the absence of pain doesn’t necessarily equal pleasure. 
 
Anal, painful or not, is just fun for us! Anal stimulation is good for everyone—and there are facts to prove it. 
 
Anal does, in fact, increase women’s pleasure. A foundational study on the orgasm gap found that women were 14 per cent more likely to orgasm during a sexual encounter with some sort of anal simulation. That’s a huge boost, considering only 64 per cent of us overall orgasm during sexual encounters with men. 
 
For me, anal has been a wild journey. It started as a convoluted way to keep from losing my ‘virginity’—a tale I’d love to dive into another week—and eventually evolved into a cool secret weapon in my sexual toolkit. Now, it’s as much a part of my sex life as kissing. I don’t do it as frequently as I once did, and I don’t do it to fulfill any sort of sick fantasy or maintain some lie of innocence—I do it because I enjoy it, and I only do it if I know I’m going to enjoy it fully.
 
My secret to this good anal sex—if you choose to believe there is such a thing for women with vaginas—is good communication, a slow start, and heaping amounts of lube. 
 
Personally, I don’t douche beforehand. Douching isn’t entirely necessary, but you should definitely do so if you’re worried that you’ll feel self conscious. Otherwise, just try not to eat a huge meal before, make sure your partner wears a condom, and you shouldn’t have too much of a mess on your hands. 
 
Happy back door adventures!
 
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