How golden is 'Golden Words'?

Can Queen’s sanctioned satire make us laugh?

Leave moms alone.
Photo: 
“My vibe so raw, you’ll love me on accident,” reads the meme page of Golden Words—effectively reaching into the souls of the socially awkward bitties in need of some holiday romance.
 
The satirical newspaper’s longstanding legacy within the Queen’s community has fostered a cult-like following. Its 10th issue of Volume 57 offers an array of self-reported comedies and after a string of callouts to get The Journal’s attention, we thought it was time to crack open their paper and see if it really is golden.
 
The Twitter layout on the front page is eerily reminiscent of The Journal’s last issue’s Talking Heads, but we can sweep that under the rug for now. The first tweet displayed reads “roses are red, violets are blue, now that I’ve c*m, I bid you adieu,” setting the tone for plentiful jokes about orgasms that unfortunately don’t reach climax and leave you feeling unsatisfied.
 
Sorry, Golden Words—you shouldn’t have to write “pun intended” for your joke to land. 
 
Editor Ryan Soth’s editorial gives readers an inside look to “Mr. Golden Words” hook-up manifesto, breaching the struggle of needing to pee after spending the night with a girl when her housemates are up and around.
 
The advice he gives to navigate this cringe-inducing circumstance is to sneak out like the Pink Panther and throw a rock (?) from outside to distract the housemates in order to use the bathroom undetected. It’s sufficient to say Soth’s deliberation on whether to take a pee at his sneaky link’s house tells The Journal everything we need to know about his rizz.
 
If anything is for sure, it’s that Golden Words’ meme spread hits the spot. The paper shines on pages four and five with everything from reincarnation and Taylor Swift to a naked Drake, and, of course, a boob crossword. Unfortunately, the crossword proved itself victor against The Journal’s Arts section—all we ask is next time you provide an answer key.
     
“Dear Commies, Pata-go-fu*k yourself” was a blurb worth the page. A good old Commerce roast is never not funny, especially when poking fun at the uniformed clothing choices plaguing the program.
 
This issue of Golden Words offers us some musical musings as well, with Bart Smarley expressing their deep remorse at the lack of classical music in the Kingston nightlife scene. If Golden Words had it their way, Tumble Tuesday would be replaced by Mozart Monday, which honestly might be a good thing. Moshing to Mozart seems like the optimal way to start off exam season.
 
It’s no surprise Golden Words is at its best when it’s closed—the back cover of this issue is a real smorgasbord of deep, profound comedy.
 
There’s something about rum going on. There’s a scary man wearing a hat with Taylor Swift tattooed on his chest. We see a Chiquita banana sticker stuck above a rather jubilant Shrek. Across the page, PNG Tom Brady is ready to throw a touchdown pass for the Indianapolis Colts.
 
It’s only when we find Carl the Minion at the bottom left of the page do we discover the comedic brilliance here. Carl clearly wants the Chiquita banana, but it’s being guarded by Shrek, who is waiting to receive a pass from PNG Tom Brady! Why won’t Tom Brady throw the football? Why is Shrek guarding the banana? We may never know. But there Carl stands, staring at us, almost reaching out to us asking if we can spare a banana. It’s brilliant.
 
Ultimately, though, this issue left The Journal wondering: are the Golden Words staff a bunch of mommy’s boys or do they just have mommy issues?
 

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