Ask S&M: Nervous Novice

“Dear S&M, I started seeing a new girl who I really like. She’s cool, funny and so hot and for some reason, she likes me! The only problem is that I’m not necessarily the coolest guy, and because of that I don’t really have a wide breadth of experience with women. I’m pretty new to the… bedroom… with them too. How do I make sure that when we hook up she’s not disappointed? I’m so nervous about it, I keep putting it off but now I’m afraid she’ll think I’m not interested. What do I do?” 

— Nervous Novice

Hello our dear and darling Novice:

Firstly, congratulations! It’s wonderful you’ve found somebody who makes you happy and that you like this much. S is only moderately jealous right now. It’s been a dry month. 

It’s normal to hear that you’re stressed out about your progressing relationship and the possibility of sexual relations on the horizon. Please try not to be! Sex and hooking up is supposed to be something that’s really, really fun. 

While we aren’t therapists, one thing we feel can relieve nerves and benefit a hookup is being comfortable in your own skin. 

One way to do this — we know it sounds funny but bear with us — is to lock your door, put on some good music and get nude. Do some everyday tasks: clean your room, get ready for school or just look in the mirror. The more comfortable you are in your own skin when you’re solo, the more confident you’ll be with someone else. 

As we’ve learned through a very normal amount of dating at university, experience in the bedroom doesn’t necessarily translate to mind-blowing sexual abilities. Now, we’re not saying that having a bit of practice is a bad thing, but there is no direct causal link between their number of sexual endeavours and the pleasure your partner can bring you in bed. 

We’re going to give you a couple of tips that might make you feel a bit better. In our experience, the best hookups are those who care more about their partner’s experience than their own pleasure. So, you’re already ahead of the game here.

The most important tip: communicate. Consent should always be the first step, but it’s also okay to ask her what she likes. 

You can do it in a sexy way. Questions like “what do you want me to do now?”, “tell me what you like”, or “do you want me to touch you _____?” can be hot. You can also tell her that you’re relatively inexperienced and ask her to teach you exactly what she likes. 

Now for some more explicit advice (sorry mom!). Some good non-sexual and non-obvious places to pay attention to on your lady: her ears, neck, collarbone, hands and thighs are all good locations. 

Take your time too! We know that guys are often ready to go at the drop of a hat — or a bra — but girls take a bit longer to get there. Take it slow and focus on her. Don’t rush. We know that the final destination is really exciting for you, but getting there can also be really enjoyable. 

Finally, if this girl likes you without having been in bed with you yet, clearly she values you for you, and she’ll likely be willing to look past a potentially awkward first encounter.

Have fun, be safe, and enjoy yourselves. We’ll be cheering you on from the sidelines, baby! 

-S&M 😉  

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