“Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?”
This question may seem bizarre to most of us, but not to a guest at a Cuddle Party.
At a Cuddle Party, you are invited to stroke, nuzzle and caress your fellow party-goers, so long as you keep your PJs on and follow the strict no-sex-and-no-dry-humping rules.
These touchy-feely get-togethers are a way “for adults to get together and explore affectionate touch and communication without it becoming sexualized,” said Cuddle Party founder Reid Mihalko, 36, on cuddleparty.com.
The Cuddle Party phenomenon began in New York City, but the movement has spread to Seattle, San Francisco, Austin, Los Angeles and to two cities in Alabama.
Cuddle Parties in Toronto, held in a workshop space on Harbord Street near Spadina Avenue, are the only formal Cuddle Parties that take place outside the United States.
So what exactly goes on at a Cuddle Party?
Cecilia Hoorcrof, the facilitator of Toronto’s Cuddle Party chapter, said ten to 20 people attend the parties, which last for about three and a half hours.
“Most [of the parties] are gender balanced,” Hoorcrof said. “We’ve had people [who] range in age from 20 all the way to 68, but most people who are coming are between the ages of 20 to 40.”
A typical Toronto Cuddle Party follows the structure outlined by Mihalko and his cuddle party co-founder, Marcia Baczynsk.
First on the cuddling agenda is the Welcome Circle, used for introductions, questions and establishing the 15 cuddle rules. These guidelines are followed at every Cuddle Party and range from “be hygienically savvy” to “crying and giggling are both welcomed and encouraged.” The Welcome Circle activities always include a “No” exercise, which involves one cuddler asking “May I kiss you?” and another responding “No,” regardless of their own desires.
“This exercise allows for the establishment of cuddle boundaries, and lets you know that nothing is going to happen that you don’t want to happen,” Hoorcrof said.
After the Welcome Circle, party attendees are free to cuddle, chat or simply sit on the sidelines. Touching between cuddlers ranges from holding hands to spooning.
Kissing is permitted, as long as verbal permission is granted. Each cuddle session ends with a “puppy pile”: Attendees are invited to climb on top of each other and form a heap of bodies reminiscent of a litter of puppies.
“At first I was terrified,” Hoorcrof said of her initial cuddle party experience. “But the Welcome Circle made me feel more comfortable. [Cuddle parties] spoke to what I had been feeling in my life, which was a lack of touch.”
Cuddle Parties are not about sex, even though they’ve been criticized for their orgy-esque qualities, Hoorcrof said. “The way that it’s designed is not about squashing sexual energy. Touch can be arousing,” said Hoorcrof. “But we follow the cuddle party ‘swim buddy’ system. If the sexual energy gets too high and people start dry-humping, I will ring a bell three times.
“Then people have to find their ‘swim buddy’ and put their hands in the air. It’s a foolproof system,” Hoorcrof said with a laugh, adding that she has never had to ring the bell at a Toronto Cuddle Party.
“It’s really not weird. People get hung up on the idea that they don’t want to cuddle with strangers, but by the end of the Welcome Circle, they’re not strangers anymore,” Hoorcrof said.
“It’s just a more unusual way to socialize with people.”
As a testament to the intimacy created at Cuddle Parties, Hoorcrof said 12 party-goers went out for coffee after her last party.
But for Hoorcrof, Cuddle Parties are about much more than finding a date.
“Cuddle Parties are a space where my ‘no’ will be respected,” she said. “It’s a space where I can ask for what I want. It’s relaxing and wonderful. It’s about exploring all the different ways that we touch each other.”
For more information, please see cuddleparty.com
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francesca piantedosi
It may be on non-sexual approach to affection, but it looks very sexual, like a prelude to an orgy.
I grew up in Italy. We are very, very affectionate people, but none of our being affectionate looks like that. We remain affectionate with our parents till the day the pass on. My father and his father in law, (my grandfather) used to walk down the street, with my father holding my grandfather with his arm around the back of his waist. My girlfriends and I always walked hand in hand down the street, or arm in arm. If my girlfriend was over my house, and we decided to watch a movie, we would curl up on the couch, holding each other and watch a movie. We kiss on both cheeks and and hug at the beginning of a visit. We kiss on both cheeks and we hug at the end of a visit.
Affection is not a prelude to sex. Affection is a way to show love to your loved ones every time you see them. It is very warm and fulfilling in and of itself. It is a physical “ti voglio bene”, or “I care about you”.
Later on, when we become sexual, all the affection we have already experience might be helpful, because we are comfortable with touch, and we understand the importance of affection even in bed
for a most satisfying sexual relationship. I think that might be the potent ingredient that here in the U.S. labels latin lovers, when they make love to people from latin cultures that grow up and are steeped in affection.
It is a real disservice to present affection as a prelude to an orgy. Affection is a perfect form to show love to your loved ones and it is very fulfilling in and of itself.