Samantha Crystal is Jewish and considers herself very religious; she attends synagogue on Friday nights and Saturday mornings but also actively practices outside these times. Her religion also plays a major role in other parts of her life—including relationships.
“[Dating] is pretty much entirely connected with my religion. You can’t really separate one from the other,” she said.
Crystal, ConEd ’10, said she only dates within her faith, and when the time comes, would only marry another Jew.
“Hillel is a great resource for people who are looking to find Jewish partners,” Crystal said. “It gets Jewish people together and they have a lot of opportunity to meet people of the opposite sex.”
Using relgion as a starting point for finding a life partner is a common practice in countries such as India, where religion is an important factor in how you live your life.
Gilbert Tong, ArtSci ’10, is a member of Campus for Christ. He said for him, faith is a lifestyle. He’s abstaining from sex until he’s married because he believes sex is a gift from God.
“I basically wouldn’t want to be with … anyone else than my spouse,” he said.
In addition to being sinful because it’s “something God wouldn’t do,” Tong said abstaining is also beneficial for health reasons because he doesn’t put himself at risk of contracting STIs.
Tong said love is an important spiritual part of relationships.
“I believe that the greatest love anyone could ever have is with God,” he said. “I would have a lot of trouble marrying someone who wasn’t a Christian just because I will always love God more than them. … I would like to find a woman who’s also as intimate with God as myself.”
The discourse on the relationship between romance and religion has gone on for centuries. But since she began teaching at Queen’s 23 years ago, religious studies professor Pamela Dickey Young says the subject has gone from taboo to trendy.
Young teaches a second-year course called Religion and Sex, which looks at issues of sexuality through the perspective different religions.
Religions such as Hinduism and Judaism, Young said, believe couples have a right to sexual pleasure and sex doesn’t need to be directly connection to procreation.
Alternatively, Christianity is a more sex-negative religion, Young said.
“In Christianity the ideal state, historically. is celibacy,” she said. “The reason for marriage is to keep lust under control and procreate.” Whether these religious traditions influence students, however, is debatable.
“A lot of students don’t have a practical experience with being part of a religious tradition. … [They] don’t think of themselves as directly affected by religion, in terms of their own sexuality for sure,” she said.
Rebecca Geroux, Nurs ’08, is a non-practising Catholic and has never dated anyone who was actively religious. “For me personally, it wouldn’t be a large factor. If that’s something important to him, then that’s fine for him,” she said. “I don’t have any problem with being religious … [but] I obviously don’t have common ground in that sense.”
University Chaplain Brian Yealland deals with the relationship between religion and sexuality on an almost daily basis. He’s available to students of all religions and offers advice on everything from gay marriage to pre-marital sex.
Over the years, Yealland said, an increasing number of students have grown up without strict religious traditions—he cited the growing acceptance of pre-marital co-habitation as an example.
When religion and love do come head-to-head, Yealland says it’s a difficult question to answer.
“How much do you let go, how much do you hang on?” he said. “Does God want people devoted to God or does God want people who are madly, erotically in love with each other?”
Ishraq Alim, MSc ’08, is the head of the Queen’s University Muslim Students’ Association (QUMSA). He said from an Islamic standpoint, sex is a good thing, and something people shouldn’t deprive themselves of.
“Sex is something sacred,” he said. “It’s important for me to share with someone I feel is very important.” He said Muslims are encouraged to wait until they’re married to have sex so they can better handle the responsibilities it involves.
Alim said dating is allowed, depending on how you define dating.
“For Muslims, it’s encouraged that before someone gets married they obviously know the other person,” he said. “[But] you’re discouraged from engaging in acts that might lead to sex.”
Islam suggests marrying someone from another monotheistic religion, but Alim said he would feel more comfortable marrying another Muslim.
“I would like to have someone who shares my values, as would anyone,” he said.
—With files from Anna Mehler Paperny
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