Dear Liz,
I hate my best friend’s boyfriend! He’s not a terrible person—just a bad boyfriend. She loves him—and their relationship isn’t all bad—but I can see his actions—or sometimes lack thereof—affect her much more than she lets on. Whenever I bring up his wrongdoings, she gets defensive even though she’s the one who told me all this stuff about their relationship in the first place. How do I tell her I no longer want to hear about her relationship if she’s not going to take my advice?
Signed,
Tired hater
Dear Tired hater,
It’s incredibly tough to navigate this situation when you genuinely care about your friend’s happiness but find yourself at odds with their partner. It’s clear you’re coming from a place of concern, which speaks volumes about the strength of your friendship and your care for her.
It’s crucial to remember while you may not approve of your friend’s boyfriend, her relationship is her decision. As frustrating as it may be to witness someone you care about endure mistreatment, pushing too hard or being overly critical of her partner could strain your friendship.
That’s why I always tend to sway on the side of caution and not give advice. It’s healthier, as a friend, to create a comfortable space for discussion and ranting, but hold back from telling our friends what’s best for them.
I think it’s time for you to establish boundaries. It’s the fact you’ve given advice that hasn’t been followed that’s making listening and witnessing her relationship struggles emotionally taxing. I wouldn’t shut the door for her to talk about her boyfriend, and would instead just seize from giving advice. You can tell someone something isn’t right a million times but it’s up to them to make the choice to leave. It’s only until they figure it out for themselves they will.
Until that time comes, as her friend, it’s your job to be there for her no matter what—even if it means having the same conversation for the millionth time.
As you continue being there for her, just keep in mind you’re both on your own paths and are meant to learn your own lessons. Think about how you learned the lessons inspiring the advice you give. It was likely from crappy partners and bad decisions, and it seems like you ended up with a good head on your shoulders. I promise you, it’s through this experience she’ll learn.
However, it’s important to note that if she keeps complaining about his hurtful behaviour and does nothing about it in the long term, you may want to reconsider if this is someone you want to surround yourself with. In Russian, we call this “stepping on the same rake,” a metaphor for making the same mistake over and over without taking the lessons you learned from the last step.
For now, all you can do is continue to offer your support and guidance in a way that feels comfortable for you.
With love,
Liz xo
Tags
Advice, FLWL, Friendships, Relationships
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