I have a confession to make: before coming to Queen’s, I had actually considered going into fine arts. It seemed like a viable option at the time: I had an insatiable desire to draw, and I felt learning in an environment which encouraged such creativity would make a fine arts program a no-brainer.
Then reality sank in. Maybe I hadn’t practiced enough, or maybe I didn’t have the same kind of motivation as the others; an overly harsh voice in my head told me I wasn’t good enough. It’s painful, when you realize one of the things you enjoy doing so much is the same thing that won’t make the cut. Then, from one love to another, I turned to English. I can write as well as draw, I thought at the time. I believed it was the right choice.
In the past, I wondered if I had made the right choice, as tumultuous clouds of “What ifs” stormed through my head. At times I think I’m just as confused now as I was back then. I’m in my third year, and my future still looks murky to me.
I envy those who know where they’re going and go there with a laser-like focus of dedication and motivation. They’re the same people who have their careers mapped out in front of them: all they need to do is follow the directions. I don’t have that sense of direction, because I’m split between two things I love. I want to write, but at the same time I want to exercise my artistic capabilities. If you find me a job offering with those two combined, you will have my undying love (for whatever it’s worth).
Before, I was afraid to pursue one of my major interests to the fullest because I’m afraid of abandoning the other. It’s like a Catch-22: it’s difficult to excel in one area without giving it your all, but you want to keep your options open at the same time. Whenever I think about this it feels like I’m in first-year again, clueless and hopeless. It kinda sucks: it seems like I’m the only person who has or had this problem, and it’s at once somewhat depressing and embarrassing. Maybe everyone else really does know where they’re going.
But despair leads you nowhere—that’s the message I kept telling myself. I resolved to hone my artistic skills while expanding my breadth of literacy in my pursuit of an English degree. I know that I am able to excel in anything I do; all I have to do is cast off my shackles of self-doubt and take off.
This is a message to all the people out there who feel lost or confused: you’re not alone. You’ve got a friend in me, as well as all those other Queen’s students who are either undeclared or have changed their major 15 times. The future is never certain, but it’s up to you to turn it to your advantage. You’ll figure yourself out … and when you do, you’ll be awesome. Good luck.
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