University is often said to be some of the most enjoyable years of your life, but I can’t seem to let go of
my life before.
My university experience so far has led me to feel homesick for my life before change. There are certain types of people whose personality and outlook on life adapts very well to change and uncertainty. I am not one of them.
I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and now, I go to school in Kingston, Ontario. This alone was a big change. Moving out and moving to a city where you don’t know many people can cause anyone distress. Instead of handling this stress and moving on to the next stage of my life, I tried to live in two different places at once. I wasn’t ready to accept that my reality for the past four years of high school was over. I wanted to pause myself and my relationships from home in perfect condition until I could hit play, over and over, picking up right where I left off. This, of course, is not possible. I was genuinely mourning the undivided life I used to live.
When anyone from home would visit me at school and vice versa, I was constantly uncomfortable, unable to figure out how these two parts of me could fit together. I felt like I was split in two — half in Canada and half back home in the U.S. I was never fully happy in one place because I didn’t know which was where I belonged. This suspended my emotions in a state of constant despair. Many of my friends and loved ones told me I should transfer and move home, but I thought I owed it to myself to give Queen’s at least two years. Now, I am an incoming junior and honestly, I don’t know if I would have been happier transferring, but I am okay with where I am nevertheless.
Although, I will admit my mind is eagerly waiting for the day when I settle down and pick a spot to live, I have learned to accept my reality now. Even if I don’t live at home, and some of my relationships from that time have ended, I am still a result of all I have experienced. Moving away led me to find out who I was without holding on to who I used to be. A fresh start was pivotal in gaining perspective on who I am. With every new change that I am sure will come throughout my life, I grow into a wiser self.
Acceptance is one of the most important, yet, excruciatingly difficult things to force yourself to find.
University will probably never be my favorite era of my life, because regardless of how fun it is. The struggle of being a part of two realities at once creates an unsettled state. In high school, nothing was that ambiguous. I didn’t have to think in depth about where I’d end up because it felt so far away. This changed once I felt the first taste of growing up. But after growing to accept that university may not be my favourite era of life, I can look through a growth lens and see how much I have changed — for the better. I will never get back the innocence of my early teenage years because I am not the same person I was then. But this doesn’t have to be negative.
In fact, growing up, leaving versions of you behind, is how you learn tough lessons and discover what reality you want to create for yourself.
As a teenager I thought the world revolved around my relationships at the time and if anything disturbed them, it would end. Now, I know that life will never be stable, because change is an unavoidable part of living. Relationships will come and go, but I will still be myself at the end of the day. Having dealt with overwhelming homesickness showed me that I could get through situations that felt hopeless.
Change isn’t my favorite thing, but that doesn’t mean it has to be the end of the world, like I once thought. The idea of home doesn’t have to be so set in stone, instead your home can grow and adapt with you.
Tags
change, homesick, lonely, Moving, University
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