This article discusses sexual violence and may be triggering for some readers. The Kingston Sexual Assault Centre’s 24-hour crisis and support phone line can be reached at 613-544-6424 / 1-800-544-6424 or by emailing bjl7@queensu.ca.
He hit me and it felt like a kiss—until it didn’t.
I was in an abusive relationship for a couple of years, and in denial for a couple more. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and stupid to think that someone who was supposed to love me, care for me, and be there for me was the very same person hurting me.
I met the person when I was 15 and they were 17. I attended a smaller school, and coupled with my sheltered upbringing, I was the epitome of naive. With a parent who was always away for work and came back with apologies and gifts setting an example of what love was for me, it was a recipe for disaster.
Despite my dumb innocence at the time, I still think about what would’ve made me realize the abnormality of the relationship sooner. I think if it were laid out for me, step by step, I could have eventually pieced the horrible picture together.
So here are some signs that no matter how colour-blind you claim to be, are alarmingly red.
First there’s a buildup of disrespect. This may seem obvious, but I’m not just talking about someone directly being rude towards you. Disrespect comes in many forms, whether that be not accepting boundaries, your time, or the things that clearly matter to you. Each time, they push the limits of what’s acceptable until you’re settling for, or even happy with behaviour that’s less than ideal. Although I don’t like blaming media or societal influences, we tend to romanticize disrespect in our relationships.
I’ll offer an analogy to help your visualization. Imagine taking the train, and the first couple weeks you take it, it comes a couple of minutes late. Weeks go by and those minutes start to turn into a couple of hours, and sometimes you even start to wonder if the train is going to come at all. Now since it’s just a train, you’d probably be frustrated by the situation and maybe finally get your driver’s licence. But when the train is a person, whether you realize it or not they’ve shown they don’t have respect for you or your time.
The second sign you might notice is isolation from loved ones. The best way to break someone down is to take away their support system. With no other people present to hold them accountable for their actions, it’s easier to continue a cycle of abuse. Your partner can construct narratives that your friends don’t know what’s best for you, or your family doesn’t love you, leaving only their distorted version of love as your lifeline. Though it may sound absurd in writing, this pervasive, manipulative logic holds the power to warp your reality.
In my relationship, the isolation I felt was heightened when I moved away for the summer with my partner. This was when the cycle got dark. I had no friends in this new city, no real co-workers, and on top of that, the person hacked my phone. Calls would mysteriously drop, and I no longer had safe access to the lifeline of my parents or friends. When I questioned the situation, I was told it was the reception in our apartment, though they themselves could receive and continue calls, no problem.
The third sign is a breakdown of self-identity or increased self-doubt. I didn’t recognize it at first, but as I got out of the relationship, it was startling to see how much of myself I sacrificed as the things I once loved were ridiculed and minimized over time.
The biggest contrast I saw was in my playlists. After my breakup, I returned to genres I had lost touch with and was frustrated by the number of hours I probably spent listening to their sh—tty music. This might seem as minuscule as someone switching a song in the car, but eventually, you stop listening to songs you like to avoid an argument.
For your fourth sign, you’ll notice your partner’s need for control. The imbalance of power in an abusive relationship often manifests as a desire for control—they aren’t necessarily in love with you, rather the amount of power they hold over you.
My ex-partner exerted control through my eating habits. They would often complain about the amount of food I ate and how I ate it. They claimed I chewed loudly (I asked several people who said I don’t) and said they couldn’t stand the sight of me eating. I’d have to eat in another room or not eat at all if I was around them, which was difficult since we lived together. Worst of all is that I’d cook for them, watch them eat the food I made, and then say I wasn’t hungry since I wasn’t in the mood to be yelled at for eating.
Forced to eat in isolation or skip meals, I became a prisoner in my own home.
During my relationship, I was so underweight I kept getting sick but would still be called “too fat” when compared to other girls. Even after breaking free, the echoes of my ex’s influence persisted, and I still catch myself avoiding foods they would’ve deemed “too loud” or eating on the other side of the room out of habit.
Fifth, your partner might project their actions or feelings onto you. Although this postscript isn’t the nicest read, I’d advise against reading the next paragraph if you’re triggered by violence.
I was heavily accused of cheating in my relationship and my partner would become very sexually aggressive. While some people can become hypersexual after cheating, my partner’s behaviour bordered on sexual assault. Eventually, this compounded with my pre-existing health issues and led to some dark days.
I hit a turning point when a doctor looked at my bruises and medical history, and asked me a simple question: “Are you in a domestically violent relationship?”
I replied “No,” but that moment flipped a switch in my mind—this wasn’t normal. I cried by myself in the doctor’s room and pretended to be fine, but I knew this couldn’t go on forever.
I’d like to say I got out of the cycle as soon as I noticed, but it took my friends yelling at me and another chance event I won’t disclose to move on. I broke up with my partner one night and regretted the decision, thinking no one would ever love me again.
Though I left out a lot of essential background information, this isn’t supposed to be a sob story. A rabbit will always outrun a fox, because it’s not running for its dinner, it’s running for its life. So, take this piece as a lifeline for any reader out there who recognizes any of these signs or resonates with this story.
Tags
domestic violence, Postscript, Relationships
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