To the boys who remained silent when their buddy verbally assaulted me in the street, remember your friends are a reflection of you.
Walking the 10 minutes home after an empowering dance class at the ARC, I was amped up—being in my second degree at Queen’s, I’m no stranger to walking home alone on nights when every tenth house has disco lights and music pouring out through open windows.
As I approached the corner of Collingwood and Earl St., a group of six men rounded the corner. I tensed slightly as many women often do when they see a group of men at night, but I kept my head buried in my phone. After all, making myself small and invisible seemed like the safest option on a block between lit-up houses. I’d almost passed the group and started to feel relief until one of them leaned over and yowled in my face. I could feel his beer-scented breath slap my cheek.
As he passed me by, I uttered the first and most logical response that popped into my head: “Literally why?”
Of course, not to be embarrassed by a five-foot-tall woman in front of his buddies, he shouted back “f—k you, fatty.”
His friends still said nothing.
I rolled my eyes at his words in utter disbelief. “Wow,” I thought, unimpressed by his comeback. The worst insult he could come up with is some idiotic, fat-phobic jab at my appearance after I called him out for bad behaviour.
I quickened my pace and set as much distance as I could between myself and the group. My cheeks and ears on fire with rage, struggling to process the interaction, I turned to my closest friends in a group chat. In my voice-memo account of what happened, I couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculous the whole interaction was. I was proud to have responded to the initial invasion of my personal space but annoyed that making the safe decision to walk away meant that boy didn’t receive a consequence.
What made my blood boil with anger and disappointment was the lack of action by his friends. Obviously, this boy had done something wrong—verbally assaulting a woman unprovoked who was walking alone at night—but his friends were no better. Their failure to condemn his verbal assault made them equally part of the problem.
Violence against women stays alive in the very moments where men are empowered to believe their bad behaviour is acceptable because they’re not called out on it.
As I walked away, I wanted so badly to insult his attempt at hurting my feelings, but I knew doing so would only be more dangerous for my own safety. Men have the power to call out violence when they see it. To tell their friends attempting to intimidate and verbally assault a woman at night isn’t only gross but unacceptable behaviour.
I don’t care how drunk he was. Drunk actions reflect sober thoughts. This boy felt it was acceptable and even funny to his friends if he picked on a lone woman at night. He felt safe enough to verbally assault a stranger to simply get a laugh.
This was on Earl St. I dare not imagine if it were a place with no streetlights or houses with lights on. The group of boys’ inaction reminded me of “locker room talk” and the “boys will be boys” mentality which is still alive and infecting so many men within the Queen’s community.
Men, you need to start critically assessing your friendships and decide if you would be proud if someone said you were like your friends. Decide if your friends are an accurate reflection of your values and how you want to live. Acknowledge that not calling-out these all-too common interactions leads to bigger instances of assault.
In my circumstance, silence was necessary for my personal safety but in the case of men, silence is complacency. Choosing to stand beside your friends when they repeatedly show you with their words and actions what they think about women reflects on you. It’s not the sole responsibility of women to correct men’s inappropriate behaviours. With the privilege of feeling safe amongst other men, men hold the power to compel change.
After all, you can either be part of the problem or the solution. But you’ll never be part of the solution by remaining silent.
Tags
accountability, friends, Safety
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