Not so deviant

Most people partake in forms of S&M during sex, says Sexual Health Resource Centre director

Psychology professor Caroline Pukall demonstrates the use of a trick belt.
Image by: Lindsay Duncan
Psychology professor Caroline Pukall demonstrates the use of a trick belt.

Sadomasochism (S&M) has gotten a bad rap but Kat Heintzman, Sexual Health Resource Centre (SHRC) director, said most people engage in some form of S&M, or kink, in their sex lives.

Heintzman, ArtSci ’08, said although S&M is often portrayed as a deviant sexual behaviour, it’s perfectly natural and everything from biting to spanking to various forms of bondage fall under the kink umbrella.

“[There’s a misconception] that kink is supposed to be something scary or something deviant,” she said. “Lots of people enjoy low-level kink activities but don’t consider themselves kinky.”

The SHRC doesn’t keep detailed records about its clientele because of its policy to provide a confidential environment. However, Heintzman said they do carry a number of kink products due to student demand. At the time of the interview, the under-the-bed restraint kit—which fits under any sized matress and features easy to undo clasps—the SHRC sells was out of stock.

Heintzman said for most people, the attraction to S&M or kink is something innate.

“I don’t know if it has anything to do with straight, gay … as much as it has to do with something that’s inside them and has to come out sexually,” she said.

Heintzman said she, personally, has experimented with S&M and has attended workshops on safer S&M and the Northbound Leather Fetish Party in Toronto. With more than 2,000 attendees, she said, it’s the world’s largest single-issue fetish party.

Heintzman said the appeal of bondage and whipping play is the level of trust it involves.

“In mainstream society it can seem pretty crazy to put yourself in a room with someone and be tied up and ask them to hit you, but the amount of trust in that is incredible,” she said.

Heintzman said she really likes the S&M community’s emphasis on consent.

“I can go to Stages dressed like a schlep and not avoid being hit on. I walk in [to a leather party] wearing almost nothing and someone asks me if they can just touch my hair,” she said.

“It’s such a profoundly consensual space compared to anything you would experience at a student bar, and I think the amount of communication that’s involved in an S&M relationship or S&M play is something that every community or individual could use a lot from … really trying to find the language for one’s desire.”

S&M is actually part of a larger community of practices labelled BDSM. It’s a catch-all label referring to practices such as bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism.

Psychology professor Caroline Pukall said 50 per cent of all couples practice some form of BDSM—whether it is nibbling, tying with scarves or the more stereotypical bondage practices, such as handcuffs. S&M is about more than just sex, Pukall said.

“It’s all about trust,” she said. “Sexual intercourse sometimes isn’t even part of the play. There is a huge continuum of how S&M can be used, and of the people who use it.

“There will usually be a script involved in an S&M encounter, and the whole situation is very specific, very controlled. The key elements of S&M are that each encounter is safe, sane and consensual—each partner has to be in their right mind and aware of the risks involved.”

Pukall said using a “safe word” is a very important part of any S&M encounter. A safe word, when spoken by either partner, stops the play altogether.

“It can’t be something like ‘stop,’ or ‘no more,’ because that is often part of the play,” she said. “It is usually something completely random, like ‘banana’ or ‘mango.’”

Not honouring the safe word can turn a fun, fulfilling encounter into a rape or assault. And the criminal aspect of S&M is what usually turns up in the news, Pukall said.

She said there are many myths surrounding S&M. For instance, Pukall said most S&M practitioners are indistinguishable from anyone else in society.

“There are no empirical markers, no red flags. That boring guy in your office, he might like S&M, and you would never even know it.”

For people who don’t partake in S&M, there is no inherent link between sex and bondage, Pukall said.

For some, sex is a creative outlet, for others it’s a stress reliever and for others it’s a source of shame.

Although there are no real markers telling who may enjoy S&M, Pukall said there are some indicators of who would enjoy being submissive and who would prefer to be the dominant partner.

“Usually, people don’t flip between roles—they like one or the other,” she said. “A submissive partner is usually someone who [has] very high control in their daily life, like a CEO. Being the submissive partner can be a psychological release of responsibility. On the other hand, the dominant partner is usually someone who feels they have very little control in their daily life.”

—With files from Angela Hickman and Anna Mehler Paperny

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