If you were on the internet last summer, chances are you know Jenny Han’s The Summer I Turned Pretty. As I watched the romantic endeavours of the protagonist Belly, I began to think about our similarities, particularly in our dating experiences with white men, such as Conrad.
There’s a saying that psychology students study psych to find answers about themselves. I study psychology to understand my dating history as a Vietnamese woman who has only dated white men.
When I was younger, I thought this was just attraction, not realizing that there were many implications on who I choose to date. After years of encounters with white guys who only dated me because I’m Asian, I wonder if my choices in romantic partners perpetuate the stereotypes based on the fetishization of my racial identity.
Having spent half of my life in Vietnam, it’s engrained in my mind how much my country has suffered after conflicts against Western military powerhouses. This history makes my dating choices even more confusing to me, as the suffering of Vietnamese women during the wars resulted in the fetishization that I face from white men today.
As the U.S. militarized East Asian countries, visiting brothels was upheld by culture, as local women were used sexually to absorb the hatred of American Armed Forces towards their enemy. This military-sexual complex then indoctrinates generations of white men to believe Asian women’s bodies only exist to serve their pleasure. Additionally, this popularized the “Oriental Woman” stereotype, which fetishizes Asian women as being submissive hyperfeminine objects rather than equal romantic partners.
As years passed, these stereotypes were reinforced by the media, causing more harm to Asian women. Since the 1950s, Western media has designated Asian women as the love interests to white protagonists, further perpetuating existing stereotypes while promoting the military-sexual complex to generations.
For example, Wai Lin in Tomorrow Never Dies. Coincidentally, James Bond was my ex-boyfriend’s favourite movie series growing up. Although I’d like to believe that he was genuinely attracted to me, it is possible that he was just looking for the Wai Lin to his Bond. As his first Asian girlfriend, I fear that I was the beginning of his quest to fulfill this fantasy in his future girlfriends, as he once said to me, “After you, I am only going for Asian girls.”
As I further analyze my dating history, I question why I would desire guys who only see me as a stereotype. So, like a true psychology student, I searched for answers through research that looks at the motivations of Asian women in interracial relationships
In a study published by the Journal of Asian American Studies, participants shared that a white husband helps them culturally assimilate and gain social security. Others seek white partners because they believe that they would be treated with greater respect.
As an immigrant, I can relate to these women. After moving to Canada, I felt that I needed to date my white peers to assimilate into my white upper-class neighbourhood. Meanwhile, I was taught at a young age that it was rare to find a Vietnamese husband who would treat me with the respect that I deserve. Slowly, I became attracted to white guys, seeing them as the most desirable solution for me to have a stable and Westernized marriage.
While I look for partners to share my rose-coloured future, the motivations of the other party have proven far from idyllic. Although white men value their partner’s intelligence and success, most highlight their partner’s “otherness” as the focal point of attraction. Likewise, I experienced this while dating during my exchange semester in the Netherlands. Once, a white guy proclaimed he only wanted to date me because I’m a “cute Asian girl,” all while ignoring my other attributes.
Not all interracial couples are the product of fetishization, but sometimes it is that deep when connection is transactional instead of emotional. I want a partner who loves me for me rather than just my racial features.
Yet, I do believe that there is room to transform these dynamics.
One thing that made a difference in my interracial relationship was sharing customs with my partner. When I introduced my ex-boyfriend to new Vietnamese dishes at weekly dinners, he learned my language and came to understand my culture more. By honouring my identity, I can resist the stereotypes placed upon me in an ever-changing, multicultural world.
So, from now on, I’m only swiping right on white guys who can pronounce my last name.
Tags
Pillow Talk, Racial issues, Sex column
All final editorial decisions are made by the Editor(s) in Chief and/or the Managing Editor. Authors should not be contacted, targeted, or harassed under any circumstances. If you have any grievances with this article, please direct your comments to eic@queensjournal.ca.