The Tricolour Sex Column: Cyber Sex

The Kinky Scholar talks about some tips to approaching virtual sex  

Tips and tricks on how to get started having cybersex. 

The opinions expressed in this piece reflect only the experiences of a brown Queer Muslim woman whose upbringing included poor access to sex education and reproductive healthcare. No article, author, or publication can accurately reflect the experiences of all women. Please read with caution and kindness.

If you’re following public health guidelines—which I hope you are—you’re probably having much less sex than prior to the pandemic. 

This can be a blessing. Maybe it’s time to get to know yourself and your body. But if you’re still craving sexual relationships, now might be the time to start experimenting with cybersex—if you haven’t already. This can involve things like having phone sex, sexting, engaging with a cam model, or even getting on camera yourself.

If you’re going to venture into this kind of sex and haven’t before, it can be intimidating. I’ve put together a list of some key things to keep in mind. As always, read with caution, and make sure you’re having loads of virtual fun. 

Make sure you trust your partner

Revenge porn—when a past partner shares your nude photos or videos without your consent—is real, and it’s being worsened by the pandemic. You have a right to feel like you can trust your partner with sensitive content but, unfortunately, that isn’t always the truth. 

There are a few precautions you can take to protect yourself, like never sending nudes including your face or an identifiable background. More importantly you should make sure you’re sending nudes to someone you can trust. This doesn’t have to be a long-term partner, but it should be someone you can openly discuss your fears and boundaries with. 

It’s also worth noting that if you’re afraid the person you’re having cybersex with won’t respect your privacy, then any kind of sex you have with them probably won’t be fun. 

Be kind to your body

Loving your rolls and stretch marks is easier said than done. Regardless, you should feel assured that, if a person is asking you for nudes, they want to see you naked! Your partner is going to love what they see, and if they don’t, they don’t deserve to be your partner.

Also keep in mind that whatever camera angle you use won’t make you look like models. Models, including porn stars, have professional lighting, makeup artists, and Photoshop. 

Like Moira Rose says, “take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now” because you’ll love them later. You’ll only be in a young twenty-something body for a short while. 

Think about consent more, not less

Sexual harassment and assault are all things that can happen virtually. While platforms like Tinder, and the internet in general, can make us feel like our actions  don’t have consequences, it’s important that we’re not forgetting the rules of consent—you always want a ‘yes,’ and that ‘yes’ needs to be enthusiastic and consistent. 

It’s also important to pay extra attention to your tone and ask to make sure you’re not pressuring your partner. If you’re having cybersex via voice call or text specifically, it can be difficult to read the other person. Make sure you’re not making any assumptions about what they want. 


pandemic dating, virtual romance

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