On Wednesday night, I lost my Queen’s Players virginity.
To say the experience was special is an understatement as I was all smiles and laughs for the three-hour duration of the show.
The group debuted their savage show, Orange is The New Outback, to an enthusiastic crowd at The Mansion. I threw back a schooner or two and watched their season opener unfold before my slightly-out-of-focus eyes.
Naturally, I learned the basics of Players as I went along. Rule number one: buy the cast drinks, rule number two: Scream “Sing!” when you hear the name of a song come up in the script, and rule number three: yell “seamless” when a cast member messes up their line
Plus, rule number four: stay hydrated. This is a rule I made up for myself.
The performance featured the likes of Red and Porn Stache from Orange is the New Black and Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, who joined Bindi Irwin, Family Guy’s Meg Griffin, Archer, and president-elect Donald Trump on stage. The live band played consistently to accompany the skits.
Even Ms. Finster from Disney’s Recess made an appearance, prefacing the show with a convincing monologue that explained the context of the performance: the actors were playing an incoming flux of inmates to the Kingston Penitentiary.
I was pleased to see that both Miss Piggy from The Muppets and the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz were main characters for the night. Miss Piggy didn’t disappoint the crowd, managing to bring up the hot topic of fisting while detailing her latest sexual experience with her “fuck-frog”, Kermit. The night was off to a good start.
A Series of Unfortunate Events’ Count Olaf, also cameoed, starting with a scandalous confession. He revealed that some of his most recent offences were kidnapping small orphans like Annie and Harry Potter, as well as designing the scavenger hunt for TAPS’ last social.
Donald Trump certainly delivered a “yuge” performance, referring to his wife as “Melanoma” and remarking that he hasn’t seen Hillary in this prison. He keeps looking out for her.
I actually enjoy hearing other people’s secrets, so I was excited when the Tin Man decided to share the crime he had committed to earn his time: “Some munchkin shithead asked me if I was carrying opium. Turns out there were poppy seeds in my Timbits.” If that isn’t relatable, let me know what is.
He then proceeded to spit some rhymes as he covered SonReal’s ‘Can I Get a Witness’ and I spent the next three minutes dancing around and belting out every word.
The night ended with the entire crowd jumping and singing ‘1985’ by Bowling for Soup, ‘My Life Would Suck Without You’ by Kelly Clarkson, and the players detailing “what they learned tonight” as the band punctuated their answers with cymbals and drums.
“My housemate literally broke his leg today, but he’s still here,” was Count Olaf’s response. Bindi Irwin added that she learned, “We’re teachers, but we can still get fucked up.” Amen.
In the flawlessly Russian-accented words of Red, “I run this show like Putin runs Russia. Badly.”
And in response to the question the cast asked over and over again: “Hey fuckers, you want another one?”
Yes. Who wouldn’t?
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