University isn’t a competition, even if it feels like one

Most people say university changes you—but no one talks about how lost you can feel when it doesn’t go the way it’s “supposed” to.

University’s painted as a time of transformation, a new lifestyle, new friends, new you. But that pressure to change can feel suffocating. You’re told to shed your high school self and emerge as an adult: party, drink, join clubs, ace your classes, meet lifelong friends, maybe even future partners. It’s supposed to be the time of your life.

As the saying goes, “comparison is the thief of joy,” and it certainly stole mine.

I don’t have any friends at Queen’s and can count on one hand how many times I’ve gone out drinking. I’ve been in the same club since my first year, but I haven’t attended a meeting since I’m always in-class or at work. I worry about being seen as a loner, but most days I’d rather be alone in my room than make small talk in the kitchen.

I went from honour roll in high school with three years of Advanced Placement English under my belt to failing my second-year English course. When I asked for extra credit, my professor refused, as it was clear I’d waited too long. I cried while telling my mom. As if I was the only person to ever fail a university class.

By the end of my third year, I realized I’d fallen into a cycle of constant negative comparisons and consistently measuring my life against others and always coming up short. It was draining my mental health and pushing me further into isolation. So, I decided to hit pause. I left Kingston for the summer, traded paid hours for time with family, and hoped that a change of scenery would help me reset.

Even though I’d planned to reconnect with the people I love, life had other plans. Whether we were bickering over petty arguments or our work schedules didn’t line up, I found myself falling back into the habit of seeking some sort of standard to follow, and being upset that I wasn’t meeting it. I was starting to get really tired of repeating this ridiculous habit when I was aware that it wasn’t fair to myself. I’d finally had enough.

As August ended, I began stuffing the last four months of my life into a suitcase to return back to Kingston. I came to the realization that I was making my life worse the more I compared it to someone else’s.

Yes, my life wasn’t exactly what I wanted it to be, but I needed to accept that and take it for what it was. No one has the same life, and no one’s experiences are going to be the same as mine. It’s not fair to see the way someone else is living and set that as a standard for my own life.

Upon that thought, I began to do some more inner reflection. Instead of looking negatively at how I currently operate in life, maybe I should learn to not only accept it, but also appreciate it.

COVID-19 granted me the time to perfect making my bedroom into a sanctum of my own mind. I practiced that talent for the first time in Leonard Hall, and then in my current home. I’m not a hermit because I hate the world; I just really love being in my room. My bed is covered in my collection of Jellycats, my walls plastered in posters and postcards I’ve acquired while being at Queen’s, and there’s no better feeling than coming home and swapping jeans for pyjama pants and crawling into bed to relax.

I prefer wandering downtown and going to the mall by myself. I can walk around at my own pace and visit two stores, then go home if I really want to. And every other trait that I consider contributing to my shortcomings of having a “normal” university experience has helped me figure life out.  This is my first time living, and it’s not going to be easy. And I can’t expect to control every part of my life perfectly.

I’m twenty-two now and will be turning twenty-three when I graduate. University will have taken up 17 per cent of my twenty-three years of life, with that percentage only growing smaller as I grow older. There was life before it, and there will be life after it.

I’m not defined by my university experience. I’m worth no more and no less because of what I did or didn’t do during my Bachelor’s. And neither are you.

Tags

Friendships, Postscript, Student life

All final editorial decisions are made by the Editor(s) in Chief and/or the Managing Editor. Authors should not be contacted, targeted, or harassed under any circumstances. If you have any grievances with this article, please direct your comments to journal_editors@ams.queensu.ca.

• Previous
• Next