The internet’s blind praise for this piece eclipses how the author oversimplifies a conversation that needs to be had.
On Oct. 25, British Vogue published Chanté Joseph’s article ‘Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?’ To say that Joseph’s piece has captivated the internet would be an understatement—there’s been no shortage of single and partnered women praising the article and wholeheartedly embracing the declaration of the season: being single is in, and having a boyfriend isn’t only out, it’s embarrassing.
After seeing TikTok and Instagram flooded with posts from women championing Vogue’s affirmation of the coolness of singlehood, I decided that as a self-proclaimed feminist, I needed to see what all the chatter was about. As I scrolled through each of Joseph’s paragraphs, I found myself wondering if I was reading the same article everyone was praising. I read through for a second time, my hope dissipating with every line until a realization hit me: Joseph’s article is, at best, performative. You’re likely anticipating a defence of boyfriends and relationships. I’m not here to do that. To be clear, I commend what Joseph is trying to do in her work. There were parts that I agreed with, but ultimately, I didn’t find it nearly as revolutionary as the masses. I think Joseph missed the opportunity to be truly feminist and provide a prelude to what’s a long-overdue conversation.
For those unfamiliar with this article, Joseph discusses the recent revisioning of how relationships are being presented online.
She reminds us of a time where it seemed like everyone’s content was “my boyfriend”-ified, as if their identity was intertwined with having a boyfriend. I instantly understood the reference: think TikTok trends to the effect of, “Asking my boyfriend how often he thinks about the Roman Empire” and “Get ready with me while my boyfriend does my voiceover.” In contrast, Joseph asserts that heterosexual women now prefer to be more coy, posting hints or indications of being in a relationship, without showing him outright.
The core of Joseph’s argument is unmistakable when she writes, “So, what gives. Are people embarrassed by their boyfriends now? Or is something more complicated going on? To me, it feels like the result of women wanting to straddle two worlds: one where they can receive the social benefits of having a partner, but also not appear so boyfriend-obsessed that they come across as quite culturally loser-ish.” I think that most readers took his, along with her title, and ran.
Circulating now is this idea that Vogue has announced it’s embarrassing to have a boyfriend, and therefore, what a time to be a woman, and what a time to be single.
For anyone who has engaged with even the most foundational feminist discourse, this seems to be an overreach at minimum; her claims aren’t novel, and not all that feminist. She barely scratches the surface of a deeper societal and gendered issue that deserves a more nuanced discussion.
Perhaps one of the more disheartening parts of this piece is its exclusive focus on the social media aspect and not the bigger picture at play. Rather than exploring whether having a boyfriend is embarrassing now, as the title suggests, Joseph centres her discussion on whether it’s embarrassing to post having a boyfriend.
What we witness on social media is a snapshot of what’s transpiring. Focusing solely on the shift in how relationships are showcased on social media misses the mark: fewer women are seeking out relationships. Studies have shown that by 2030, 45 per cent of prime working age women (ages 25 to 44) are projected to be single. This isn’t unintentional—only 35 per cent of single women are looking for a relationship, as compared to 54 per cent of men.
Therein lies the rub, at least for me. While I commend any steps towards a meaningful conversation around gender, I feel that this article is journalistic clickbait, asks one question in the title, and explores something entirely different in the actual article. Worse yet, it asks all the wrong questions, talks about all the wrong stuff, all the while being seen as moving the needle.
Once again, it feels like the tokenistic feminism that we’ve been hearing for years, the “you don’t need a man to complete you” sentiment, without critically analyzing the patriarchal paradigm to explore how and why women have arrived at this juncture.
This surface-level assessment has squandered a perfect opportunity to generate any authentic discussion about a shift that is reflective of modern women and shouldn’t be reduced to just a trend or fad, as Joseph has articulated.
I think what irked me most about Joseph’s article, or perhaps more so, the internet’s response to this piece, was the implied refrain, “It’s embarrassing to have a boyfriend, single life is good, ergo conversation over.” But the conversation has barely started. Beyond the possible eyeroll of witnessing a woman’s entire being centered around a man or the fact that women themselves are now conflicted because of that perception, there does seem to be something else going on beneath the surface.
For me, the more damning implication of a deeper, gendered issue was the various quotes cited by Joseph throughout her article. Take a few: “Even though I am a romantic, I still feel like men will embarrass you 12 years in, so claiming them feels so lame.” “Boyfriends are out of style. They won’t come back in until they start acting right.” Couple this with some revealing statistics—something Joseph omits in her account—and we start to realize that this “trend” of boyfriends being embarrassing is a symptom of a much greater ailment in society.
It becomes clear that this isn’t a matter of whether women are embarrassed to post having a boyfriend now; it’s whether having one is of benefit and value to them. Declaring singlehood as “cool,” while it may be true to some extent, isn’t the salve for centuries-long patriarchal issues.
Evidently, women are becoming more vocal about dissatisfaction in the dating arena and refuse to partake if it doesn’t benefit them the way it does men. When we ask, “Is it embarrassing to have a boyfriend now?” there should be a follow-up question: “Why is it embarrassing to have a boyfriend?” Shouldn’t we also ask, “Do boys behave in ways that make having a boyfriend embarrassing?” But it’s not entirely men’s fault—hear me out—what we really should be questioning is why these heteronormative realities continue to persist.
To drive authentic and lasting change, this call to action isn’t a battle fought by women exclusively. However admirable or empowering that women are standing their ground and refusing to enter relationships unless they are treated appropriately, a lingering question remains: why is this solely a woman’s problem? This plight shouldn’t be foisted only on women. It doesn’t and shouldn’t stop here. The question should become: “Why would we be embarrassed? What about boyfriends or what is it that they do that warrants this perception?” and “How do we as a society fix this?”
It’s a lofty ideal to think that one article can be so transformative as to change the tide. Joseph makes a valiant attempt, although veiled by the social media angle, and it may very well serve as a launching pad; at the least, it has everyone talking. Perhaps we should take a win where we can, in that it’s enough that it brought the issue to the forefront, if only transiently; as the adage goes, “here today, gone tomorrow.”
Given fashion’s notoriety for being cyclical, Vogue knows this adage better than anyone. As I hope to have shown, when we give true pause to these topics, the dismantling of patriarchal heteronormative notions can continue, even if at some point, being single is declared so last season.
Maya Galvin is a fourth-year politics, philosophy, and economics student
Tags
feminism, is having a boyfriend embarrassing, Opinions, Vogue
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